What I Have Been Thinking
I’ve been thinking about fear lately and I’ve been thinking how it has affected my performance so much in the past…with fear comes pressure and stress, which have the power to paralyze me so badly that I couldn’t think straight anymore. It wavers my confidence and slowly causing me to crumble like uno stako. It falls when we don’t handle it well and when the base is weak. Likewise, the only reason that cause one to crumble is because the foundation of the person isn’t right. The way he/she handles themselves in a situation isn’t right. Often, we forget who we are supposed to be in God’s eyes and the infinite power He has to help us. Fear, like a big chunk of mass stuck in a water pipe, can blind and restrict the potential in us from flowing out. If only I was able to keep myself coolheaded and not be irrational, I won’t have made so many regrets. However, it isn’t all a loss. All those negative experiences certainly made me grow a lot and I am thankful that God chose not to intervene then…otherwise I would still be that very inexperience and naive person who does things very rashly.
As I am typing this entry, I am suddenly prompted to find a verse about confidence and this verse stood out more to me compared to the rest. “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2Timothy 1:7
This verse reminds me that as believers, we are the vessels of God, which also cause me to remember an event.
Last saturday night was an eye opener. Mom suddenly fell really sick out of the blue. I’ve never seen her so weak and helpless. A really bad migraine hit her and she seemed like she was fading in and out of consciousness. She could hardly talk except sitting slouchily on the kitchen chair, one hand pressing the stomach and the other on her head, as she moaned in pain. She was too weak to even walk. “God help her” I thought to myself. All I could do was to call my dad to bring her to a doctor, which he refused thinking it was just a normal stomach pain as I searched for the ointment my mom asked for.
About 15mins later, she finally gathered enough energy to walk to bed and lie on her stomach. I knew I had to pray for her. I knew I had to be the one to start applying what I’ve just learnt from the sermon, bringing God’s presence to the people around us and start using the authority God has given to us Christians. Growing up in a conservative family has caused me to feel awkward to show outward love but still I garnered my courage and just pray for my mom. I had to push my conservative siblings to do the same too, not because I am pushy but I know they just needed someone to initiate them to do so. Thank God, my mom said the pain was reduced to mild discomfort after praying twice. It was further confirmed that she was feeling a whole lot better when she could finally grumble like her usual self to us about the entire incident from beginning to end, then rinse and repeat. God I love you so much for being God.
